Fall Prevention? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Fall Prevention!

Patient Transport Tech to patient: “Okay, let me make sure the brakes are set on this wheelchair so it doesn’t try to roll away from under you and hurt you…”

30-Something Patient: “That’s okay, I need the lawsuit money.”

Call me a horrible person, but I truly wanted to walk into that room, give the patient a good smack across the face and swift kick in the balls, and then do a complete 180 towards the transport tech and say, “I just want you to know that I appreciate that you are acting in the best interests of both the patient, the hospital, and your job. Keep up the great work,” before casually strolling back out.

Yeah, I’d probably lose my job if I did that. So maybe it’s a good thing that I had other business on that floor?

By the way, Humble Hospital has made it a point that it is every single associate’s job to prevent falls, even if they aren’t directly involved with patient care. We are all taught about fall risks and how to recognize if an impatient is a fall risk by door markers, gown colors, armbands…yup, we take fall prevention VERY seriously. (Oh, and let’s not forget that a fall put my grandfather in the hospital, and a second fall in  the rehab unit completely paralyzed him from the neck down.) It’s entirely possible that I’m taking this fall prevention stuff too seriously, though…

Guess Who Passed Her Computerized National Registry Exam?

This girl, that’s who.

I received my results roughly 24 hours after I had tested by checking my profile on their website. Not going to lie, I started crying  when I saw the words “Congratulations on passing the NREMT National EMS Certification cognitive examination.” (I also had to refrain from screaming, “FVCK YES! I PASSED!” in the middle of an airport…wouldn’t want the TSA thinking I was some sort of psychotic bitch now, would we?) I also couldn’t wait to call my parents and post the glorious news on Facebook, and I *did* start a draft on WordPress in regards to this, but it seems the Android WordPress application decided to eat it, the bastard.

In terms of  content, it was what I expected from what National Registry requires in a refresher course. Working in a Cardiology department probably helped me out quite a bit, as well as being female and knowing a thing or two about the female uterus. Had a curveball question or two that I had *no* idea on what to answer, but for the most part, I apparently reasoned my way to a passing score after 80 questions.

Now then, onto memorizing National Registry checksheets and American Heart Association standards, as I will most likely attempt to take my practicals two months from now. To all of you who wished me luck earlier: thank you.

Methinks I Need To Change My Contacts…

*looks at number of subscribers to blog via e-mail*

There’s no freakin’ way that 98 people have elected to read my ramblings via e-mail.

Seriously, there cannot be that many people who actually read me about this crap…

Someone is going to tell me WordPress is having issues, right?

T-Minus 10 Days Until National Registry Written Test

In less than 10 days, I will be taking the computerized National Registry written exam.

My personal feelings about this momentous event?

Yeah, I’m just a LITTLE nervous.

Ever since I left Land o’Lakes EMS, I’ve felt that something’s been missing from my life. Oh, I knew what I NEEDED to do to practice EMS in this state, it’s just that I didn’t want to face the horror of National Registry again.

If I pass written, practicals are going to be a BITCH, especially since I haven’t actively performed some of these skills in over a year. I know I’m paying the price for waiting so damn long to retake this test, but part of me refused to test under the old American Heart Association standards, which National Registry did not switch to until last month.

Everyone keeps telling me I’d be happier working as a paramedic: my husband, Libby, even my parents claim my talents will be put to better use in an environment where I can be a bit more hands-on in terms of patient care and not serving as some brainless tech who does what it’s told and doesn’t ask questions.

My husband wants me working as a paramedic again. He HATES seeing me in a position where I’m not able to make use of either one of my college degrees or certifications. Because of that, part of me is doing this out of love for my husband, who has supported me through times that no one else did.

I’ve taken practice exams, graded them, went back and reviewed the area that kicked my ass, only to have a completely different area kick me in a different part of my arse.

I need to learn to trust my gut instinct more when it comes to answering those cursed questions about what to do first…and I hate how as soon as I go to practicals, I gain this invisible army of EMTs who will do exactly what I tell them to do.

Words of wisdom/advice, anyone?

Yes, I Have A Speck of Dust In My Eye…

…but it’s nothing compared to the redwood in yours, dear neighbor.

Listen, I totally get that you were enlisted for a few years before you decided to go back and seek a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice. (You’re an Army Medic, so why you selected THAT degree is beyond me.) You’ve been through more deployments than him, I get that too. However, just because my hubby and I are younger than you and your wife does NOT render either of us complete buffoons, mmkay? In fact, let me count the ways we’re not complete retards:

1.) Birth control: When we were dating, Chia Pet absolutely refused to have sex with me if we did not have a form of contraception. From what I’ve heard, you and your wife didn’t quite share that same view…

2.) Money: Chia Pet worships at the Altar of Saving Money. He maxed out Savings Deposit Program within the first quarter of the deployment, he’s funneling money into the  Thrift Savings Plan, my income gets direct-deposited into our savings account, and we both have Roth IRAs that he plans to contribute the maximum amount to as soon as he’s allowed. (He set those up after 1.5 years of marriage, which was when we got most of our car debt under control.) When it comes to spending money, he’s taught me the value of getting the best deal and living frugally…To a point. (Not going to lie, I do love me a good shopping spree.) Now, just out of curiosity, why did your wife go in for “pectoral augmentation” with two kids and fvckloads of debt instead of, oh I don’t know, PAYING OFF THE DAMN DEBT FIRST?

3.) Guns: Chia Pet is a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association. He’s also a CCW permit holder in our native state. When it comes to gun laws and gun safety, he is, has been, and will be VERY vigilant about local laws and regulations in all matters firearms. (PCS’ing them is a bitch, by the way.) Trust me, proper authorities know exactly what we have in terms of firearms…ammuntion, however, is another story.

*giggles*

By the way, you’re totally not taking shelter with us for the zombie invasion.

________________________

Seriously, you freaking lectured me about firearm registration when your family is sitting one pet over the allowed limit for housing? Hate to break it to you, but the unloaded weapons sitting oh-so-harmlessly in the gun locker won’t attack you if you try to touch it, unlike that damn Basement Cat of yours. I’ve seen your kids interact with those cats, and you clearly haven’t taught them that “Bushy-tail-hissy-kitty” means “Don’t touch that cat unless you’d like blood drawn.” Both of those children are in school, they should be able to handle this concept, okay?

Yes, my husband has flaws: he can be arrogant and hot-tempered, he’s been known to develop tunnel vision, his determination to save money is almost an unhealthy obsession, and yes, he is a CHRONIC smartass. Most people who spend enough time with him know this, but they also learn that he’s very good at completing assigned tasks. Most people don’t ever see his “cute and caring” side because they can’t get past his arrogance, which is a pity.  In short: no one gets to judge my husband until they’ve spent as much time as I have with him, period.

*takes deep breath*

I’m done now. Going to take a page out of Old NFO’s book and go sit quietly in my corner now…

A Must-Have For Any Zombie Lover On Your Holiday Shopping List!

Over the past year or so, Older Bro has developed an inexplicable fascination of all things zombie/zombie invasion day. (I might be to blame, as I may or may not have introduced him to the Resident Evil video games series.) Knowing this, I absolutely HAD to buy the following book for him the instant I spotted it:

When I told MiniMom that I was considering giving it to him as a late birthday present, she promptly vetoed the idea. Why? She wants to see the look on his face when she opens it. Seeing how she’s probably going to get Chia Pet and I one of those nifty one-cup coffee makers as a Christmas/anniversary gift, I’m going to defer to the family matriarch’s wishes on this one, no matter how hard he whines.

I”ll throw in a few other small items, but overall, I do believe that this is one of my more brilliant ideas…

My Friend Libby

In my last post, I mentioned that I recently gained a good friend who’s a native of the area. I’ve christened her with the alias of “Libby Doppelganger” as, yes, she is a dyed-in-the-wool-organic-food-eating-showers-about-half-as-much-as-I-do liberal hippie, complete with support for Obama and Planned Parenthood.

Now, I know the conservatives reading this are shaking their heads and asking, “Really, Mini? Your best friend is a liberal? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US?!?!?” Relax, people, she and I have actually touched upon hot-button topics like abortion and health care without going for jugulars. (She had a suggestion of making all health insurance companies run as nonprofits, which takes away their motivation to deny care to high-risk patients.) I, in turn, can talk about my gun-nut of a husband who enjoys shooting small mammals, and she has requested his services for a badger that nearly killed her and her horse at once point. She’s incredibly intelligent, and is wisely going back to school for a more advanced degree in a healthcare field.

1.) We’re both EMTs: She’s a Basic who used to be a Ski Patroller, and I was a paramedic. We also both made the mistake of letting our National Registry certifications expire, and we are both currently taking steps to rectify our rather shitty errors in judgment.

2.) We both hold bachelor’s degrees, but we’re working in a job FAR under our qualification levels, mainly because Humble Hospital was hiring and we whored ourselves out to whoever would take us.

3.)  Her steady boyfriend is the same rank as my hubby, and she and I both feel slightly outcast at military functions because our desire to NOT have children is financially & selfishly motivated, while many of these women have 2-4 children, and they’re younger than us.

4.) We believe in trying to stay healthy and at a healthy weight, which…yeah, I think I might be the skinniest person in my neighborhood who doesn’t smoke. (Bad idea to smoke while on my FREE birth control, ya know?)

5.) Her boyfriend and my husband are handsome, intelligent officers who are known for their work ethics.

6.) That whole separation/deployment/OPSEC thing? She gets it, and understands my joy of hearing from husband.

7.) We’re both somewhat spontaneous and random at times…like I’m usually available to fetch her when she wants to bring food to her boyfriend on staff duty, and I happen to have a registered vehicle and dependent ID that gets me and whoever I want on and off base with barely a bat of an eyelash.

I’m not ENTIRELY sure why she counts me as a friend, but I’m glad she does, as a true friend is something I’ve desperately needed ever since Chia Pet and I moved out here. With her health taking a turn for the worse this past month, I’ve been doing my best to help her out whenever I could. (Her boyfriend was out of state because of the Army, shocker.) As the Old Man would say, “She’s got my six,” and I’ve been doing my damndest to cover hers in her boyfriend’s absence this past month. In turn, she has shared my frustration about the pay situation (unlike my in-laws, who apparently don’t give a fuck) and has done her best to keep my spirits up.

*yawn* Maybe I should think about getting some sleep , as I’m going to go visit the Indoor Pool tomorrow and see how much my swimming sucks after almost 2 years out of practice. (Note to self: need more anti-chlorine shampoo, as current bottle has probably expired, and my hair is damaged enough as is!)